I am drifting in a sea of memories. I wrap myself in the warmth of my past as I learn to cope with the unwanted pain of loss and the terrible inevitability of change unwanted and unasked for. I am looking for directions to the new road I travel. I am trying not to drown in sorrow and self-pity as this will not serve to light my path. I am seeking answers. Reading books. Asking friends. Wanting to begin my journey away from the pain of the place I am in.
This morning, I woke to a soft world of grey fog that turned the landscape into a black and white photo. Cold and gloomy; soft and dreamy; colorless and drab. I shivered with the damp as I drove towards work and wished myself back in bed, where I could close my eyes and escape the reality of the day. Suddenly, the world behind me exploded into a yellow warmth that made my eyes water as I looked back in the mirror. A hot bowl of melted gold had found an opening in the clouds and was shining its beacon at the world. Though the world around me remained grey...the sun's color not reaching much past the eastern sky...,the air filled with light and warmth and promise. In that moment, I realized that even on the darkest days, there will always be a light to guide us and fill our hearts with comfort.
In my heart, I hear laughter. I am twenty-five years younger, wrapped in the warm embrace of a summer day in Montana, fishing the Missouri River. We are together again, in love with life and in awe that we will soon be three. And for a moment, time stands still and we have the whole world ahead of us. And we are in love and nothing is impossible. Such is the power of light.
1 comment:
Dear Jan
You write such heartfelt words that paint a picture of an earlier time when you were happy. You will get to that place again, and it sounds like you have learned good lessons from Ron's passing, which would please him, no doubt.
Post a Comment